Do you have any love busters in your relationship? William Harley is an author that created and discusses the Love buster concept.
A love buster is something that is done in the relationship that breaks down the feeling of love between you and your loved one. It can subtract all the work that has been done to build up the feeling of love and slowly chip away at your connection and care for each other.
As a therapist, I see couples participate in love busters all the time and they don’t even realize that the impact they are having on the relationship. Many are oblivious to their actions, while others know they are doing it, but feel justified due to the pain and struggles they are having with their loved one.
It’s important to know what these are and work on intentionally avoiding these behaviors that break down the love in your relationship. Also these love busters can apply to any relationship, not just romantic relationships. Friendships and family members can be greatly impacted by love busters as well.
Here are Harley’s 6 love busters that can break down connection in your relationship:
We all have a selfish streak in us. It’s our human nature. But when a person focuses more on their wants and needs and is not willing to reciprocate, it can be a major love buster. It’s important to think about the needs of each other in a relationship and have give and take. Healthy relationships need empathy and will often require some self-sacrifice in a healthy way to love each other well.
Good communication is vital for healthy relationships. When someone communicates in a hurtful and disrespectful way, it feels like you are enemies and not on the same team. Disrespectful judgments within a relationship will divide your connection and create a feeling of not being safe.
It’s understandable and even healthy to be angry sometimes, but it’s all about HOW you deal with it and express your anger that can be a big love buster. Make sure you don’t turn into “the Incredible Hulk” and create more destruction because of your anger. Angry outbursts aren’t an effective way to be heard in your relationship. Actually most of the time, the person receiving the anger shuts down and doesn’t hear the message of the anger at all. They just see and feel the anger and don’t understand the message that is trying to be communicated.
Lying breaks down trust. Period. Without trust in a relationship, it’s hard to feel safe enough to let down your walls and love. Dishonesty creates doubt, fear, and anger in your loved one. It’s better to be honest even if it’s hard.
Being independent is a good thing, but it can go too far and feel like there is no “us” in the relationship. Living separate lives can fuel disconnection and cause someone to wonder why they are even in the relationship at all.
We all can have little quirks. That is part of what makes us individuals. But when someone has annoying habits that hurt, upset, or even trigger your loved one, it can be a love buster. Often times in a relationship, we need to offer grace to each other for the flaws and mistakes that show our humanness. Annoying habits tend to be a “straw that breaks the camel’s back” when it’s partnered with another love buster.
Relationships are hard. Try to pay attention and not make it harder by engaging in any love busters in your relationship.
Do you have a “go to” love buster that you need to intentionally work on and prevent in your relationships?