Are you worried that your marriage is in trouble? Marriage isn’t easy and it requires you to be intentional to help it grow into a healthy relationship.
If you’ve drifted apart and see any of these warnings present in your relationship, it’s time to make some changes to work on your marriage.
11 Red flag warnings that your marriage is in trouble
You feel like roommates
Of course part of marriage is living together, but feeling like you are “just roommates” is not a good sign. Feeling like roommates means that you feel distant, there’s no spark, and you just co-exist.
You don’t talk about more than basic information
Information exchange about schedules, to do’s and basic life updates are normal. But a healthy marriage needs depth. It’s important to talk about feelings and share vulnerably to help your relationship feel more connected.
You don’t feel like your voice is heard
Having a voice and speaking up about your wants, needs, and opinions is part being in a healthy relationship. Sometimes people feel like their voice doesn’t matter. Other times a voice is heard, but gets over powered by a louder opinion. When your voice isn’t heard, it could feel like the other person has all the control in the relationship.
The time you spend together is mostly fighting…unfairly
Relationships need time to grow and have connection. When a couple fights too often in a way that breaks down the relationship, you should pay attention to this red flag that your marriage is in trouble. Using criticism, being defensive, saying hurtful things, withdrawing, using the silent treatment and violence are not going to bring you closer. Healthy conflict should help you know each other better and understand each other more, not tear you apart. Here’s some ideas on how to do this.
You don’t like each other and have stopped being friends
Friendship is a very important part of a healthy marriage. John Gottman’s research says it should be the foundation you build everything else on. If you don’t even like your spouse and you feel like your friendship is dwindling, it’s time to get back to some basics and be friends again.
You don’t feel valued and appreciated
Feeling taken advantage of does not feel good. Make sure that you are saying thank you and give each other the gratitude and affirmation you both deserve. Don’t take even the simplest things for granted.
You imagine and fantasize about life without each other
This is a big red flag. When people start to enter into these types of day dreams, it can be an onramp to major disconnection. Like any day dream, you will often imagine the nice, peaceful, and fun parts of the scene. But it is not common for you to think through and imagine the possible realities of what life would like like apart. When people start to enter into this frequently, they are at risk of having an affair.
You have resentments and haven’t healed out wounds
It’s really important to heal old wounds and not sweep them under the rug. When you hold onto hurts from the past, it creates walls and disconnection. If you know that your marriage is struggling with some old resentments, don’t put your head in the sand and start healing asap.
You don’t enjoy time together
Quality time needs to be something you intentionally create and protect in your relationship. Quality time means having fun, connected time and also having quality conversations that help you to know and understand each other better. When you lack quality time, you will often start to have that roommate feeling.
Your physical intimacy is decreased or obsolete
Physical affection and sex are important parts of a relationship. When you notice a cutoff of healthy touch in your relationship, consider it a red flag warning. Physical affection should be evidence of the emotional connection you have with each other. So if you feel this area is lacking, it’s time to work on the emotional connection to help get things back on track.
You’ve stopped being kind to each other
Being courteous and kind should be a norm in your relationship, but many people are not doing this. Some people say unkind things to their spouse regularly and treat the dog or the cashier at the store nicer than their spouse. Kindness is an easy way to show your spouse that you care.
Do you see any of these warnings in your marriage? If you do, it doesn’t mean that you’re doomed, but it does mean that it’s time to shift and get to work. If you need help navigating the changes that need to be made if your marriage is in trouble, reach out and let’s get something set up to get you on the right track.